Listo-mania (which is not a disease...)

(For my dear, sweet niece, who is getting taller... :)
Rules.
1. State eleven things about yourself.
2. Answer the eleven questions you were asked.
3. Write eleven questions for somebody else.
Yeehaw.


1.  I don't like seasons were the sun isn't a major player.
2.  I used to have a nice body (sad sigh...)
3.  I have 7 students named McKenzie... all are spelled different...one has an x in it. (Don't think about it or your brain will explode)
4.  I just learned that I like babies.
5.  I hate presidential election years.  It really messes up fall T.V.  Stupid Debates...
6.  I just read a students paper about stress.  She wrote about when she was kidnapped for 2 months.  I'm now scared of crazies.
7.  I am growing new hair.  I lost a lot after baby jump-jump was born and had a receding hairline which was not good on the self esteem, but it's slowly growing back.
8.  I have dreams about dead people.
9.  For the love, I adore whacko hurricanes.  Keep the pictures coming!!   People, if they tell you to evacuate, effing evacuate.  Honestly....
10.  I have students who are PDA-holes.
11.  I would like to have lunch with Sting, Jimmy Buffett or Brandon Flowers.  Or a personal Yoga class/massage session/concert with Sting. 

Eleven questions.
1. Right brain or left brain? - Both, but more right.
2. If you could make one season twice as long as the rest, which one would it be? - Are you high?  SUMMER of course.
3. Have you met your spouse yet?  Yep.  When I was 15.
4. Why adenosinetriphosphate? Why not guanosinetriphosphate?  Stupid phosphates... who needs em?
5. Would you rather have the ability to rewind ten seconds or fastforward three days of your life?  Depends - did I just say something stupid or is it finals week?
6. The first acceptable day to listen to Christmas music?  Whenever.  Kurt Bestor and the Carpenters are always listenable.
7. Favorite winter squash? Butternut
8. Where do you see yourself in eight months?  Getting a tan teaching summer semester to a bunch of high students
9. Quirky habit/OCD tendency?  Marja and rugs are OCD.  Who doesn't have quirky habits?
10. How much sleep did you get last night? 8.5 - I sleep like a baby these days.
11. On a scale of 1 to 10, how awesome are these questions? 10

11 new questions:
1.  What is the worst holiday?
2.  The Rolling Stones or the Beatles?
3.  If you could have lunch with one famous person, who would it be?
4.  Which is the best channel for news - 2, 4, 5, or 13?
5.  Should they make another Star Wars?
6.  Best movie?
7.  Best vacation?
8.  Most scared you have ever been....
9.  Does Google Earth creep you out?
10.  Should clothing be optional in class?
11.  Where would you put a tattoo?

HAPPY ANSWERING!!  (Thanks Jess!)

Your School, My School, and baby jump jump

Another school year is here again.  Yipp-ie-frickin-yippe.  I find myself entangled in teaching six classes - and this year only one of my students shows up high to class.  Yup, she is on some serious depressants.  She comes late (preface - it's a stress management class with which she is clearly not stressed about getting to), sits in the front, speaks out of turn... more like yells out of turn..., then she pets her face with her hand.  Not lying.  She holds her hand about an inch in front of her face and stares at it like there is a tattoo of a naked Ryan Gosling on it.  Then she pets her face... like almost caressing it.  It sicks me out.  It wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't dressed like a carney whore.  I can see her jubblies and her who-ha.  So, picture a girl with 80's style hair, very few clothes on, and an addiction to pain meds.  To top it off, she told me she wants to be a nurse.  (The sarcastic me thought "I'm sure that there is a porno out there that you could be a nurse in... good career choice!")  Then I realized she wants to work on live people that don't pay by the hour.  Shiz people.  Watch out.  If your nurse has a tattoo of a naked Ryan Gosling just bite on your oxygen tube until the lights go out.

On a lighter more enthusiastic note... I finally finished my masters program.  Holy crap.  It was a lot of work, but after having a baby, it seems like a cake walk.  I would write 1000 papers enthusiastically using APA format with 1/2in. margins on both sides before I would go through the last six months again.  I won't lie though.  It feels good to get that behind me.  Work is now pressuring me to get  PhD.... but I'm trying to hold off on that for a year.  The thought of doing more statistics makes me want to go stand in state street.

Baby Jump Jump is growing up!  He's scooting around.  Tonight he and Uncle Curtis laid on the floor and he literally almost crawled.  It was too cute.  He also likes to try and jump while I'm nursing him.   Picture if you will.... I'm holding him in the football hold... he latches on.... then starts jumping against the couch behind him.  Needless to say... my poor nipples.  I can never be a porn star (sigh).  Maybe if I get a naked Ryan Gosling tattoo....

Baby Jagger

I swore to heaven and high earth that I wouldn't be a mommy blogger.  So, I'll do my best not to be.  I started this blog as a travelogue - which has since morphed into whatever this is.  I want to share a bit of my experience bringing baby J into this blessed earth... mostly just the humorous times so as to forget the total crap moments.  Here are a few things I enjoyed about my "birth" experience.
1 - Having people apologize to me about me having a c-section.  Not an apology about having to have abdominal surgery and a wicked recovery... no, they would apologize about me not going through a vj birth as if I'm less of a mom because of it.  To them my reply is... why don't you try having a spinal block at 10.2 months pregnant (he missed the first time), being strapped to a table whilst 4+ people stick their hands inside of you for 45+ minutes, feeling like dying while they pull him out of your ribs, not being able to hold your baby for over an hour, and putting faith in those that are doing the surgery because you are at their mercy.  Not to mention the wicked air that gets trapped in your belly for a few weeks after.  Nice... no one told me about that...
2 - I love hospital food.  No really, I do.  I had the best salmon like 3 times during my 5 day stay.  It reminds me of eating chicken sandwiches at PCMC while Jessica was getting chemo.  So yummy.... AND you can order lots!  It was delicioso.  You could also eat it with both hands because you could send your kid to the nursery.  A little slice of heaven right there...
3 - Hospital gowns - Why these are not fashionable is beyond me.  I actually took one home with me.  I figured for $10,000 I deserved it.  I feel a little bad because I'm pretty sure Dr. Glade saw me once when I was having a wardrobe malfunction.  Too.many.snaps.
4 - Baby fatty - when blessed Dr. Jones pulled him out, the nurses were a little too excited to get him on the scale.  I heard one lady say, "he's a really, really big boy!"  Once they weighed him and yelled out 9lbs, 9oz - I had to laugh.  How on earth did I grow that?!  Five Guys and In-N-Out need a little credit here.  I have never eaten so many hamburgers in my life.  I did not know that you could crave red meat like you crave the air you breathe. 
5 - Sore nipples - I mean how many times can you meet with the lactation specialist?  Um... lady?  This is crap.  He's cute and all, but my nips look like chewed licorice.  Is there a wet nurse in the house?  She thought I wasn't serious.  Guess what?  There is no amount of lanolin or tea bags that can help after your little one latches on and shakes his head side to side like a rabid dog.  When I look in the mirror after nursing it looks like I'm smuggling pencil erasers in my shirt.  Not the cute ones on the ends of the pencil... the long rectangular ones that you use when you really screwed up. 
6 - Numb bladder - I had to have a catheter - which I loved b/c I didn't have to get up to pee.  However, I didn't know that it would make my bladder numb.  1 day later I'm laying in my hospital bed having the worst pain ever - thinking I was dying and it took 3 nurses to help me figure out that I needed to pee.  Hu-mill-eee-ate-ing.  The stupid catheter made it so I couldn't tell what was going on down there! So, needless to say I just stripped down and stood in the shower to pee.  Ahhhhh..... I once heard a lady say that after you had a baby all dignity went out the window.  I thought she was lying until this happened to me.  You see, I stripped down in front of those 3 nurses, my sweet hubbs and in front of the open door to the hallway which was right by the nurses station.  I like to call that moment my "mommy porn" moment.
7 - The realization that we had to take him home with us.  I mean we loved the little guy, but crap.  You don't make it to 34 without kids then try to bring one home with you.  It causes mayhem.  I tried to lay on the bed = no go cuz of the incision.  Tried to lay baby J in his crib = no go cuz he was too little and scared.  1st night home ended up with me in my almost birthday suit, laying on the chez lounger with a dish towel tied around my overly sore new mommy chest and baby boy on top of that.  It was hell.  


- It's been 2 months now and other strange and funny things have happened.  The highlight of which was catching his first laughs on film.  Good times.  

Reluctant Motherhood...

Apparently, I'm a terrible blogger. I'm fine with this. I follow other peoples blogs, and occasionally I think about things I would blog about... then I go do something else. Well, I decided I better blog about this new experience because literally EVERY women I have come across has told me that you forget it. Lame-o - is all I have to say to that. I have decided to break it up into three sections.

1st section:

We found out in August we were pregnant. I got dizzy once at girls camp and was getting headaches - all unusual for me. Then blamo - the pregnancy test (six to be exact) told us in big blue letters that YES we were going to have a baby. The range of emotions is unreal that I felt. I have a ton of friends who have fertility issues, so I immediately felt guilt. Then sadness, anger, frustration and then... my favorite..... sickness. I.Don't.Do.Sick. Three things I liked/hated about section 1 of pregnancy:

Likes:

My sweet rack: Grew three sizes in three weeks. The pain was crazy, but wow... I looked hot.

Sleeping well: I could sleep like I did in high school. At any time of any day.

Hates:

All-the-time sickness: Never got used to sleeping with a sleeve of Saltines in bed with me... but it was an absolute necessary evil. If I didn't have something in my mouth at all times (literally) then I gagged (try this when you are in front of a class... I literally had the garbage can in hand a few times). I puked twice (for a grand total of 4 times in my whole life) and I did not like that at all.

Smells: NOTHING smelled good. I had no idea that scents could make me that nauseous, but lord have mercy on the guy wearing Cool Water in Target. I literally had the thought of finding a lighter and burning that shirt while it was still on his body. Anything was better than that smell.

Section 2 -

Told the family & my friends when I was into the 2nd trimester (whenever that is - I still don't speak "weeks" - don't make me do math people). It was funny to see all the different reactions. I started to show around this time and started to deal with major back and abdominal pain (partially torn ligament in my pelvis...) so the Yoga started to slow down, and generally I did too. I got more tired and ornery.... and boy howdy was I hot (temperature). I could melt a hershey kiss in my fingers in 10 seconds. Re-donk-u-lous.

Likes:

Niceness - Holy crap are people nice when they find out you are pregnant. I never knew. I never was so I assumed everyone else was like me. Who knew?

Hunger games - Not the book. This was the game that my body would play with me where I had to start eating seconds of every meal. Second breakfast, second lunch, second dinner.... All of which lead to my finding and embracing maternity clothing.

Maternity clothes - I swore that I would NEVER, EVER, EVER wear such awful things, but I now consider them manna from heaven. Those stupid panels are a lifesaver.

Hates:

Weird body stuff: What the hell is this line down my belly? What is happening to my boobs? Why are my thighs rubbing together? Is this heartburn? Why is this happening? What are these dark spot blotchy things on my chest? Is this a grey hair? Why am I peeing four times a night? Argh!

Third Section:

I like to think of this as the time I started waddling. I used to think, "why is she doing that?" Now I know. It's because if you don't, you will end up flat on your face. It's because your pubic bones hurt so bad that you want to sit on a block of ice all day. It's because your center of gravity is so effed up that you have no other choice. It's waddle or die time. This section came with a much bigger belly, HEARTBURN up the yaz, sleeping in 2 hour stints, dropping things and not picking them up, and sitting down to teach (a sin in the teaching world).

Likes:

Baby movement: It feels like your belly is a goldfish bowl, and you have a huge king salmon stuck inside it. It was cute for a long time and really funny when Loran would see it or feel it. Now, it's like he's playing WWF with my liver. He doesn't like me putting my arm on my belly or any sort of pressure on him - it's cute but I can't wait to not share my body any more.

Clothing: I have been able to get away with wearing my hubbys clothes and now sweats and NO ONE says a word to you. I know I look like crap - but I dare you to tell me so. I will take you down.

Eating: Again, I am enjoying my food. Again, I dare you to tell me that I'm eating too much. I will literally eat your face.

Hates:

Heartburn: What the hell is the purpose of this? It took me up until a week ago to realize that my stomach is somewhere under my right armpit, and I can't sleep on that side unless I want to vomit in my mouth all night. Thank the lord for heartburn meds from the good earth. Not tasty but they are saving my life. Probably shouldn't be eating them like they are m&m's....

Barney Rubbles: My feet and hands look similar to Barney Rubbles. I have so much swelling it's unreal. It's all the time too. You touch my feet and it will leave an indent.

OB visits: OK - is it absolutely necessary to get checked every time I go in there? Like Chevy Chase says, "You using the whole fist doc?" I mean seriously. Besides, have you ever tried to give a urine sample at 9 months when you can't even see your who-ha to try and catch the pee? I have resorted to, if I feel it on my hand, I'm not in the right spot. It's all a guessing game. AND, someone needs to create OB tables that allow you to partially sit up. Laying down at this stage and size is a recipe for a heart attack, stroke or small seizure. The kid is already pushing on my every organ, you want me to LAY DOWN on my BACK? You must be high.

I'm at 40.1 weeks at this point and baby boy is supposed to be coming any day now... I'm so excited to see the little guy and figure out this mommy thing. I'm also excited to lay on my belly, not have heartburn, and to wake up for something other than my bladder. More to come!