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1 - Having people apologize to me about me having a c-section. Not an apology about having to have abdominal surgery and a wicked recovery... no, they would apologize about me not going through a vj birth as if I'm less of a mom because of it. To them my reply is... why don't you try having a spinal block at 10.2 months pregnant (he missed the first time), being strapped to a table whilst 4+ people stick their hands inside of you for 45+ minutes, feeling like dying while they pull him out of your ribs, not being able to hold your baby for over an hour, and putting faith in those that are doing the surgery because you are at their mercy. Not to mention the wicked air that gets trapped in your belly for a few weeks after. Nice... no one told me about that...
2 - I love hospital food. No really, I do. I had the best salmon like 3 times during my 5 day stay. It reminds me of eating chicken sandwiches at PCMC while Jessica was getting chemo. So yummy.... AND you can order lots! It was delicioso. You could also eat it with both hands because you could send your kid to the nursery. A little slice of heaven right there...
3 - Hospital gowns - Why these are not fashionable is beyond me. I actually took one home with me. I figured for $10,000 I deserved it. I feel a little bad because I'm pretty sure Dr. Glade saw me once when I was having a wardrobe malfunction. Too.many.snaps.
4 - Baby fatty - when blessed Dr. Jones pulled him out, the nurses were a little too excited to get him on the scale. I heard one lady say, "he's a really, really big boy!" Once they weighed him and yelled out 9lbs, 9oz - I had to laugh. How on earth did I grow that?! Five Guys and In-N-Out need a little credit here. I have never eaten so many hamburgers in my life. I did not know that you could crave red meat like you crave the air you breathe.
5 - Sore nipples - I mean how many times can you meet with the lactation specialist? Um... lady? This is crap. He's cute and all, but my nips look like chewed licorice. Is there a wet nurse in the house? She thought I wasn't serious. Guess what? There is no amount of lanolin or tea bags that can help after your little one latches on and shakes his head side to side like a rabid dog. When I look in the mirror after nursing it looks like I'm smuggling pencil erasers in my shirt. Not the cute ones on the ends of the pencil... the long rectangular ones that you use when you really screwed up.
6 - Numb bladder - I had to have a catheter - which I loved b/c I didn't have to get up to pee. However, I didn't know that it would make my bladder numb. 1 day later I'm laying in my hospital bed having the worst pain ever - thinking I was dying and it took 3 nurses to help me figure out that I needed to pee. Hu-mill-eee-ate-ing. The stupid catheter made it so I couldn't tell what was going on down there! So, needless to say I just stripped down and stood in the shower to pee. Ahhhhh..... I once heard a lady say that after you had a baby all dignity went out the window. I thought she was lying until this happened to me. You see, I stripped down in front of those 3 nurses, my sweet hubbs and in front of the open door to the hallway which was right by the nurses station. I like to call that moment my "mommy porn" moment.
7 - The realization that we had to take him home with us. I mean we loved the little guy, but crap. You don't make it to 34 without kids then try to bring one home with you. It causes mayhem. I tried to lay on the bed = no go cuz of the incision. Tried to lay baby J in his crib = no go cuz he was too little and scared. 1st night home ended up with me in my almost birthday suit, laying on the chez lounger with a dish towel tied around my overly sore new mommy chest and baby boy on top of that. It was hell.
- It's been 2 months now and other strange and funny things have happened. The highlight of which was catching his first laughs on film. Good times.
